To My Dear... #2

To My Dear...

This is a pre-emptive apology to the darkness in this world and my personal promise.

First, the apology,
You will be hurt.  You will be lied to.  You will be mislead.  Most of the people or faceless organizations that harm you in this life will not acknowledge or apologize for your pain - So I will do this for them.  I offer you this apology for the ignorance, shame, and crudeness of this world.  You who are so perfect, so full of hope, so full of curiosity.  This world will find some way to crush and stifle you.

Second, my promise,
I promise to you that I will do my best to help you.  I promise to not shelter you from these things but to help you deal with them anyway I can.  When you have a question, I promise to give you the strongest answer I can and if I don't know, I promise I will help you find the answer.

Lastly,
Remember that you are loved by so many people and we will help you all we can.  We may be stern sometimes and we will argue as you progress, but this is because we love you.

I am here for you.

An actual diagnosis

I've just returned from my second evaluation appointment at Family Psychology Services in Calgary with at least one more to go.  It will be a relief to have this evaluation and, hopefully, some good results.  It's really indepth and taxing on everything... but at least I'll be getting some answers.

Stop Being Prey - Flight Was My Biggest Mistake

Bullying isn’t the character-building funny part.  We feel the sting of bullying long after it is actually happening - And I have been a victim for long enough.  People are pack animals and they pick on the weak and the different.  This is something we were genetically programmed to do when food was scarce and we were fighting with other animals instead of visiting them in zoos - but the victim’s flight response can do greater harm than any bully.  These are my reflections on the bullying I’ve run from - I hope it encourages other victims to fight back with confidence I haven’t had for years.

While many people assume that humans have a natural, intrinsic place at the top of the food chain, yet our prehistorical scholars have learned that we were prey.

  Upon learning of this, we can understand both our combative urges for survival as well as our ability to thrive when we cooperate.  Human beings are happy to trumpet our brain power and agility in these conversations about early survival, but we need to focus on our ability to work together as a team.  Before it was “bear-size hyenas” and saber toothed tigers - Now we fight against ourselves.

So what are the justifications and excuses for bullying?  Bullies are insecure, it’s part of growing up, it’s just teasing… the list goes on and on.  I call these justifications and excuses because I was bullied, mercilessly, by other kids and teachers.  This included destroying my science fair project, name calling, laughing at my lack of coordination, not including me in their games and rubbing my face in it, threatening me with physical violence… later it was ranking me “second-best boobs” in school, rumours about my sexual activity, making fun of my acne, write lewd things in my yearbook… and teachers spending large portions of the class yelling at me when I made mistakes, keeping me from advanced learning activities when I excelled ahead of my classmates, and actively ignoring the peanut gallery comments my fellow classmates insulting me if I didn’t know an answer or gave too good of an answer… and numerous other things.  None of this is acceptable.  

Bullying is caused by ignorance.  Yes, the mighty human race are ignorant.  If you want to challenge me on this claim, look to who gets bullied - The outsiders.  People who show their individuality by special dress, people who are exceptional, people who are challenged, people who are new, people with another opinion, people who are deemed unattractive, people who are seen as “too beautiful” or “too thin” - Did you notice a pattern?  They are all PEOPLE.  You have heard the expression “It takes all kinds to make a world” - and there are as many different ways to bully as there are different kinds of people because everyone who is different can be a target for bullies.  

Every year I got older, I used to think that I would be done with bullying once I was out of school.  Think about it.  Most bullying campaigns have to do with school yard animosity.  Guess again, however, because adults can be just as bad or worse than kids.  The boss who takes all of the accolades for your hard work and demotes you if you make a mistake or are better at your job than she is.  That colleague who tells off-colour jokes around the water cooler and makes the shy person in the office uncomfortable or unsafe.  What about the person who sees bullying happening but doesn’t do anything to stop it?  To my mind, they may as well be doing the bullying themselves.  Now there is another forum for bullying - the internet.  The term is “cyber-bullying” and it includes being a “troll” who puts inflammatory messages online, texting violent messages, posting insulting pictures online of other people, and any other type of harmful activity.  

At the age of 33, I have learned a lot of life lessons, but no more important than this - We have to stop being victims.  Every time you are attacked, there are different ways to deal with it based in the fight vs flight.  Lifelong victims like me have a highly evolved flight response as I’ve never wanted to fight back because I thought that meant being obstinate, rude, or violent.  I am a kind person and I like to help people so when I am confronted, I feel lost that anyone would act that way towards someone who meant them no harm.  Most of the time, I’d shy away and hide.  Anytime I did speak out, I seemed to get into trouble, so I stopped taking part in activities I didn’t have to.  I stayed away from sports teams, stopped trying to answer questions in class unless forced, stopped taking fiddle classes because I had to audition to get into the new group, stopped acting because I overheard one of the teacher’s mocking me, stopped reading advanced books because another teacher convinced me I wouldn’t understand the book I was enjoying, no longer competed in events as it might draw attention to myself...  

In a way, I became my own worst bully.

I have struggled for years to stop this victimization of myself and encourage other weak members of society to find their own strength.  We may no longer be fighting the animals for survival, but if we work together with respect and compassion, there is no limit to where our big brains and agility can lead us.  Don’t be a victim like me!

Lackadaisical - Workplace Safety

Life is very important.  Imagine how such a simple truth can be taken for granted and that we can be so capricious in keeping each other safe.  Whenever we step into the shower, cook a meal, drive to work… hundreds of things we do every day can put ourselves or others in danger and yet we become complacent with repetitive tasks.   

Ask the victims of workplace accidents why we should pay attention and they will tell us sad stories of losing limbs or general health because of someone being careless.  I just lost a former classmate to a workplace accident - Peggy Sears, a framer working on a property outside Priddis, Alberta.  Occupational Health and Safety are still conducting their investigation and we (the public) will likely never know exactly what happened to her, but it involved her team putting up a wall that was too heavy to lift.  Even without knowing the full details, we can surmise that there were many possible ways that this could be a dangerous situation and I believe that she did not need to lose her life on that day.

Calls to make the workplace more safe continue to be answered with more regulations, inspections, and paperwork.  Unfortunately, through my years of working in a wide range of environments, these measures are seen as time-consuming, expensive, and bothersome.  I, however, do not need to have a cousin who was burnt up to 70% of his body to know the importance of safety.  I don’t need to hear about a pane of glass falling from a half-built skyscraper because it wasn’t tied down properly.  Nor do I need to have felt the searing pain of chili oil in the eyes while sautéing something in a commercial kitchen to know that workers need to be careful.

Kiss your children every day before you leave for work - Peggy won’t have the chance again.  Humans have the uncanny ability to think that nothing overly bad will happen to them or the people they love.  As soon as we get into an accident, most of us think “Why me?!?” or some such expression.  The answer is often because we, or someone else, was careless… complacent.  

As you look at the statistics, you will see that many accidents are caused by simple things like lack of proper rest or nutrition, awareness, or knowledge.  We in Alberta face the problems that come with a booming economy - tons of work, including new construction projects, and the pressure to get things accomplished quickly.  Workers are coming from other provinces and countries in waves and we often run into problems concerning different work practices and expectations.  

Do not take a good co-worker for granted.  You know that guy who is diligent in his work, thinks about both long and short termed goals, helps the team anyway he can…?   Whether you have one of these lovely people on your team or just someone with similar attributes, never take them for granted!  The people who actually think of safety above all other things end up saving time, money, and lives.

Accidents don’t happen without carelessness.  Whether it’s standing on the top of a ladder, walking too fast or backwards, “forgetting” to wear your personal protective equipment, not reading the instructions or blueprints correctly because it will take too long, having too much liquor or other substance the night before a shift, having a diet consisting of too much fast food and not enough vitamins and water… whatever reason behind the accident, most of them are manageable.  

Is the bother of using proper protection that big of a deal?  Yes, masks are horribly uncomfortable when you aren’t used to them.  Safety goggles fog up.  Gloves on site may be the wrong size.  It’s too much hassle and it’ll take too long?  Tell that to Peggy’s children who won’t see their mother ever again.

Stay close to your equipment.  Keep it clean and undamaged and if it breaks, get it fixed.  Don’t let it stay out in the sun or crush it in amongst your tools.

I miss my friend, Peggy Sears.  

Can you recall the last time you followed all of the rules, to the letter?  

Are we so focussed on protecting others that we neglect ourselves?  

Let us promise that we will answer this call - never again be lackadaisical. 

To My Dear... #1

One of my favourite artists of literature is Jostein Gaarder, Norwegian author of the fantastic novels "Sophie's World" and "The Solitaire Mystery".  I define my favourite artists by style, skill, and interest like anyone - but I would add that my favourite artists are those I am drawn to think about from time to time.  I haven't read Sophie's World for years and yet I often think about something Jostein Gaarder made me think about while engrossed in his pages... Especially now that I have a new nephew.  The particular section of the book I keep coming back to is in the first chapter and is absolutely enthralling.

"A white rabbit is pulled out of a top hat. Because it is an extremely large rabbit, the trick takes many billions of years. All mortals are born at the very tip of the rabbit's fine hairs, where they are in a position to wonder at the impossibility of the trick. But as they grow older they work themselves ever deeper into the fur. And there they stay. They become so comfortable they never risk crawling back up the fragile hairs again. Only philosophers embark on this perilous expedition to the outermost reaches of language and existence. Some of them fall off, but others cling on desperately and yell at the people nestling deep in the snug softness, stuffing themselves with delicious food and drink."

This is the type of concept that I find incredibly intriguing.  I offer this as an introduction to a new feature for MRKy Waters - "To My Dear..."  This will be a collection of entries geared towards encouraging the children in our lives to stay on the tips of the rabbit's hair and keep asking questions about everything.  

To My Dear...

You are very observant and I can tell, at your young age, that you are trying to figure out everything.  I will do my part to help keep that sense of wonder alive.  This world often tests the heart and I want to feed your soul.

A certain amount of comfort is dangerous because you stop asking questions.  If you take certain things for granted or become lackadaisical about routine tasks, you can end up in trouble.  For my part, I will always try to help you in any way I can.  Stay at the tips of the rabbit's hair and learn everything you can about everything you can.

Love,

Me

Happiness

The other day it occurred to me... I'm no longer as crazy depressed as I have been.  I'm getting to spend more time with my family and friends, I'm starting a new business, I met my new nephew, I've started running again... things are starting to feel like they are no longer spiralling out of control.

What a great feeling to be busy, content, and clear of the dark clouds that have been penetrating my grey matter!

The show of community and strength that took place in Calgary since the bombings of the Boston Marathon - my participation in the Run for Boston (Calgary) and subsequent writing will help formulate the basis of this new stage in my life, I am certain.

To be certain of something again is, also, a beautiful thing to behold.

Depression

Depression comes in waves... how suitable for the MRKy Waters author to be caught up in it.  I have happy moments, surrounded by family members who love and understand me... and I'm building myself back up from a particularly bad bout of depression.

The thing is, I feel more affected by emotions of others in this state.  I am normally a sponge when it comes to other people's emotion even though many have told me it doesn't register on my face.  I can think that I'm grinning like an idiot or worried that I may explode and my face doesn't show it.  I was at the gym with my best friend yesterday and, from what he said, I don't even show straining or exhaustion when I'm working out...

Now, with this depressive state, I feel an annoying or unfortunate incident as if it were some big tragedy - when something legitimately horrible happens like the death of my friend Peggy Sears (she died while working in construction outside Priddis, Alberta) and now the Boston Marathon bombing on April 15th, 2013, it's like a tidal wave... even though I had nothing to do with either incident and I'm not directly effected by the Boston bombing.  I am a VERY amateur runner... so I hope you understand my badly rampant imagination that has chosen to show me horrible images of me running across the finish line at Boston only to get blown up... and I can't stop it.

I don't know what will be done in an effort to help the survivors of these tragedies and others who suffer from depression - please donate blood at your local bank and register to donate organs and bone marrow.