Waiting

I don't do well with waiting... waiting when I'm about to be in an appointment is tough because there's no way to get into a new project without knowing you're about to be interupted.

The room doesn't have a clock.

It's still ten minutes... hardly long enough to do anything...

I don't do well with waiting...

Disclosure - Part 2

Yesterday was a game changer, but not for the reasons I thought it might be...

I'm currently listening to a recording of yesterday's seminar on disclosure in the workplace - It was not as informative as I had hoped as it became more of an "airing of the issues" rather than an actual how-to format.  Out of the 12 people in attendance, four people spoke (including the woman giving the presentation and myself).  I attempted to bring the others into the conversation but was unsuccessful.  It ended up being a benign discussion that included the feeling that everyone was thinking that they had the roughest life situation to deal with...

My second meeting, on the other hand, was a mostly one-on-one discussion over Myers-Briggs, COPS Interest Inventory results - as well as Asperger's Syndrome.

Have you ever been in a discussion where the people are so certain about something that it is the central point of the conversation?  Well, that is what yesterday was - and the central point was the fact that I have Asperger's.

I have, since this discussion, been trying to get a better grasp on what AS is and how the way I interact with people makes it so apparent to anyone who has studied this life situation.  I am not close to understanding it... and yet, I see a lot of myself in the descriptions I've read...

But I keep coming back to the quote

“If you’ve seen one person with Asperger Syndrome 

you’ve seen one person with Asperger Syndrome” 

– Stephen Shore

It seems like there are a lot of things to learn...

Disclosure - Part 1

Tomorrow, I'll be attending a course about Disclosure at the Workplace:

"Participants will have the opportunity to review their personal beliefs in regards to their skills and abilities and how these beliefs affects the way they present themselves and live their lives.  Participants will learn how to cope and understand their own disabilities with a new sense of purpose and strategies to address them, whether it is a recently acquired disability or one that they have been living with for some time"

I've been thinking about this since before signing up for the course - whenever someone says anything regarding "mental health" or "disabilities", we all have images or impressions that come into our minds that have been shaped by our experiences.  When these labels can be personally attached, there are even more references.

Since I have been tagged with varying levels of "Nonverbal Learning Disorder", "ADD", "ADHD", "Strange", "Depressed", "Gifted", "OCD", "Funny", "Different"... and who knows what else... I have sought information on psychology and workplace practices for years.

I'm hoping that this will be an interesting seminar and I will be able to share some tidbits in Part 2

Seeking help

...at a certain point, no matter how intelligent you are, you must face your fears and ask for help.  This is one of the scariest things to do in the best of times and it's even harder when you've dealt with rude ignorance in the past.

And then you get to the grey government office and talk to the bespectacled woman behind the big desk and she hands you forms with repetitive questions and graphical pictures of handicapped people and you are sent to another grey building where everyone speaks in soft tones and the occasional person in mismatched sweatpants and old jersey tops comes around the corner babbling... and you know none of this is right... these are all nice people trying to help... the poor babbling soul wasn't asked permission to be born like this and the girl wailing out in pain while her attendant is having a smoke break wasn't given the option between being healthy and having to stand in a massive spider-like contraption because her skeletal structure won't hold her tiny frame. 

You remind yourself that you can go days or months or years not talking about disabilities or the loathsome topic of "Special Needs"... you can "pass" as normal for long stretches of time... but every time you get held up by those times of stress or challenge that others are able to navigate and you aren't, you realize that you actually were just hiding from the life situation.

It's true... I wasn't "passing"...

Why I cancelled television

What is your morning routine?  Maybe you turn on the coffee or go straight for the shower.  Do you wake up to an alarm that plays music or beeps?  Can you wake-up without an alarm?

I find myself turning the television on as the first thing... it will be on the news or music, but the action is automatic... I could very well still be asleep when I do it.

I'm very sensitive to noise of all forms and, because everything in this world makes some form of noise, it can become overwhelming.

I have an odd sort of discipline when it comes to coffee - when I want it too much, I stop drinking it.  With TV, it's the same thing - This will be the fourth or fifth time that I've cancelled TV.  I have always come back to it in the past, and it's likely I'll get it again at some point... but I don't want a device running my life.

Generally, I'll cancel TV if I find myself watching re-runs of old shows too much ...also, when I multi-media too much.  Last night, I was watching a show on the TV, another on the computer, and I was reading and doing other things around the house at the same time... and sometimes I'll find myself doing this and realize that the radio is playing in my room.

Why would someone choose to have all of this activity going around them?  I have no answer.  So it's time to unplug.

Thinking doesn't make it go away

Consider a leak under the kitchen sink.  The sink is the vital heart of the kitchen just as the kitchen is the brain of the family for that is where we gather to sustain and enrich ourselves.  If the sink stops contributing water, we aren't able to clean or prepare food.  It the kitchen isn't functional, the family cannot meet everyday around the hearth in the traditional way. 

That leaky sink is how mental illness effects the brain and body for if there is a slow leak, it may not be detected for a while... but the amount of damage done to the very structure of the house is detrimental.  If one turns a blind eye to a leak, for even necessary reasons, the damage to the walls, floors, the very structure and strength of the house can be unrecoverable.

So what is an adult discovering mental illness to do when the brain has slowly caused this type of equivalent damage to her life? What renovation can be accomplished to make the sick house well again? Is there a Mike Holmes-type to guide the process?  If there is no trust in the mind, how can that brain rely on the system or professions that are present to aid in this renovation?

It is to be discovered...